I've been going through a dark time lately, as you know. But, if you're wondering why you should care about people, or yourself, this post will help you. I've realized a lot.
Today, a good friend shared this article with me. And I've been thinking. In a time where I'm questioning if there's a point to being nice anymore, being afraid of the very people I want to connect with because I keep getting close to people just to be hurt and taken advantage of (not everyone but a decent amount of them), I've been looking for things to convince me that I should keep following my heart, and keep spreading love to heal this hurting world.
I used to question if I was worth anything, if I was anything without my skills, like making music. But, a friend said to me today, "Where did that music come from? Your heart". Your heart, as broken as it can be sometimes, no one can take that away from you, even if we are scared sometimes, seeking safety, protection, validation.
The reason I share compassion, is because I know what pain is like, and even if I am upset that I knew people for years just so they turn on me, even if that does scare me to get close to people, I had to realize my core values. I don't want anyone to hurt like I have, and worse. Period.
I want to live in love, and it can be hard sometimes, but if I keep surrounding myself in it, it's going to bring that peace and love I'm looking for, even if I don't get that from people all the time. All my life I've sought to connect with people, because I felt lonely, misunderstood, unsafe, like I needed to bond with someone. I kept relying on that because I always questioned everything I did, because I'm scared of going to a dark place, afraid of trusting myself because I've messed up so much, and I feel lost sometimes.
But, that's the whole point. Life is about learning. I keep trying to avoid it, because I find it hard to tell who will hurt me or not anymore, but then I realize, Fred Rogers never cared about that. He cared about taking care of himself, he had simple, yet good values to take care of himself, and the people he loved.
He inspired me all my life. As a kid, and even still. My grandma reminded me a lot of him, only more...crass, blunt, a little bit of a spitfire when she got mad, she would be real. She was a mix of him and his wife, the way she was honest, haha.
My grandma, Dana Guy, rest her soul, used to babysit me a lot as a kid. Whenever I saw how she treated people, it was that same compassion, dedication, determination to be a loving, caring human being, even in the worst of times. And, she showed that no one is perfect either, we all get mad sometimes.
She was the best example of a human being, in my eyes. I still aspire to be what she was. I wish I could've realized it sooner than I did. I would've told her today, and I would've asked her what keeps her going. She had this sense of peace, even widowed, even being alone at home a lot. She still saw family though, and her church friends. She did a lot for her community, and her family.
If she saw me today, I think she would be sad to see me so afraid of others, because she would see that I have a passion to connect to people, and help others, connect to each other and love each other, help teach them things through my experiences, and soften their hearts. She would tell me why I shouldn't give up on that, and that I matter just as much as anyone else, so I should treat myself well.
I recently listened to a P.O.D. song (love them) called "Ghetto", which talked about how the world is in pain, not to let it get you down, how people will disagree and be confused with each other's views, but we should still try to love each other as hard as it is sometimes.
I go through hell most days, tried my hardest to show someone I know why it's not okay to be hateful and manipulative to me, to hurt me as they have with emotional abuse and neglect. But, they don't see it. It hurt me they didn't see it, it became stressful, and tore me down because it affects my everyday life. They didn't think they were wrong.
But, even then, I had to realize something. Sometimes, it's not always you, and you won't always get what you want, but the reason people are like that sometimes, is because they're hurting inside and don't know what to do, they don't believe things can change. With the pain inside me as well, we've clashed a lot. That isn't helping anything though.
I shouldn't let people take advantage of me, but I also want to be that example, and I shouldn't expect people to always change. That's not why you do it. It's because you want to live in love for you, and spread a bit of it, too. I've learned a lot lately. I don't want to be afraid of people anymore, because I used to think I was the problem, and wanted someone to turn to. But, I gotta be that person.
I have lived a whole life neglecting myself feeling insecure feeling like I wasn't good enough to take care of myself because I can be "slower" than others when it comes to some things. But, I am still alive and that is good enough, and I need to have the mentality of expecting people to not be there for me. Not as a negative, but to expect me to be here for me, and not expect someone else to be obligated. It's to have that mentality to be prepared for the unexpected, for when things go wrong, so you'll always be there for yourself. But, don't expect to always be able to do everything, either. It's okay if you can't accomplish everything you wanted, just do what you can.
I don't want to be a miserable, vile, defensive, fearful, angry, hateful, insecure, hurting, broken soul anymore. I can't expect someone else to care about me because I didn't. I have to. I want to love the world and hug people, reach out and give what the world needs more of, because in against hate, against the pain people feel, it saddens me that people have to deal with such horrible feelings, feeling broken like I have.
I want to live in positivity, while protecting myself, but in a healthy way. I came too far to give up and I have a lot to give to this world. I have to be the change if I want my life to change. Remember that your heart is everything, everything you have comes from that. If you care about other hearts, care about yours, too. It's no less or more, it's equal.
On the inside, all of us have the same anatomy, we are alive. Mess up, learn, make friends, experience heartbreak and loss, learn what you love to do and want to be. That's life. The world needs more light switches for the lights in this world, let's turn ours on. :)