Hey...so I haven't really been okay. The past week has been really rough on me. I lost my friend Dustin Farrow, may he rest in peace. They didn't even say how he died when I attended his funeral, which makes me angry i don't know. He was only 24, and in the past, was one of the best managers I could ever ask for, even if a short time.
Can't Make Music For A Little While/New Episode of Talking Real/New Music Project Previews
Also, rough week because I've had a consistent tension headache the past week where i am extremely sensitive to sounds, because my wisdom teeth finally fully grew in after what, 10, 15 years of slowly growing? And they're only NOW giving me issues as of a month ago. So....i won't be able to make music for a little bit, but the headache is getting better, so maybe sooner than later. In any case, I have to get those teeth taken out soon.
It's quite depressing not being able to play games or make music or do anything to distract myself to cope with the stress, the depression. I did however talk about this in a new episode of Talking Real, and showing you early previews of a couple songs from my new music side project: A Silent Voice. It's something I've been working on, also updates about Piercing Lazer, general music updates, etc.
Depression, Confusion About My Future
I won't lie....as of late i've not been okay. I've felt like this is a dead end, like i've given up on a lot of things, like i don't know what new direction to go. I realize the things i do are hobbies, but im afraid to pursue anything im currently doing as a career. I love the things I do, I pour a lot into them, but...something's missing.
I feel like...i haven't come across it yet. Like i haven't found that thing. But i've failed at many things and never went far enough to carry my life...but i've always wanted that one thing....community, to connect people, to connect to them. Someone reccomended School Secretary for a highschool, as well as Myers-Briggs tests I took recently, and I will say that's caught my interest. I'm just unsure. I feel old, tired, my spirit feels like it's fading sometimes, like it's the end, even when it isn't.
Sorry to sound depressing. I've not been myself, been going through a lot. I didn't even mention the hundreds of dollars car repair I can't afford (but my dad is helping me) and driving around hot weather with no working cold air for 5 hours, so got dehydrated driving all over town for 5 hours to find a place to fill my car with freon just to find out it was a worse problem than I anticipated. So, essentially my efforts meant nothing, I felt defeated.
I guess you could say, in my real life, that's how I feel a lot of the time. Defeated. Like anything I've done to try to stabalize my life in the way I can without working against my mental issues just, the effort means nothing. Even if the coronavirus wasn't around, I've always had this problem. But, that's why I'm in therapy. I'm making progress with therapy, but sometimes I still lack confidence in myself. It's hard sometimes.
Sorry this is long. There won't be any music for a short while, but I have been working on stuff before the past week i've had to deal with this horrible tension headache. I might be able to get back to it soon since I am getting better. Just a lot overwhelming me, been taking a break. Living alone makes it much harder too, I basically almost never see anyone, even before the coronavirus or before I went to florida, I lived alone for 6 1/2 years, a lot of people in town didn't talk to me or come over outside of work.
I have lived a very lonely life for many years, nearing a decade. It's part of my abandonment issues, my trust issues. People scare me, and yet I want to be close to people without being afraid, I want to overcome that fear. I miss a lot of people right now.
So, What Now?
Until I can start making music again (hopefully soon), I'm gonna probably start making more gaming videos again on my youtube channel ( https://www.youtube.com/realfactionmusic ). I recently did one of VRChat with me doing my Kermit the Frog impression, also did my 7 Days to Die comedy series Billy Joe & Company with one of my characters, but next I'm gonna do Halo: The Master Chief Collection starting with either Halo 2, or Halo 3, but with a twist.
If there's a way to turn down the music (originally there never has been, don't know why they didn't make that an option) I want to in certain parts, replace some of the music with my own, that I find fitting, to sorta do something original to stand out from other Halo playthroughs. Only if I can turn down the music in this version for my computer, or find a way to make it work. We'll see. I do have a track from years ago that's very Halo music inspired.
I'm also beta testing a friend's game (someone many of you know very well from years past, he's made many popular NG games I've always been a huge fan of him since I was a kid so it's an honor, I won't say who just yet) that has my music in it, and will be playable on Steam this year in the soon future. I'll keep you posted, still early to talk about.
I also have been thinking about something else, but I won't announce it until later this week, something BIG. It's gonna freak a lot of people out and it's gonna be hilarious, but I also think it's gonna genuinely help me. You'll see. This is all basically stuff I didn't mention in the Talking Real episode because I decided it after the episode, and just released an episode, so no sense in making another one just quite yet.
I'm also voice acting in a collab with voice acting though have to be careful with that too with my sensitive ears due to one of the high pitched voices I have to do for it...lol. Soon, soon. This week probably.
Overall I'm just in a rut, I'm confused, therapy made me change, and made me realize I haven't found my career yet, but I'm trying things, and I enjoy my hobbies, but I haven't figured things out yet. Sometimes I feel defeated I guess. Thanks for being here for me guys, I couldn't do any of this without you, you guys keep me going. Love you, will keep you posted later this week.